Embracing Silence: Personalized Self-Care Tactics for Introverted Minds
Self-care is not one-size-fits-all, especially for introverts who may require a different approach to maintain their mental, emotional, and physical well-being. If you're an introvert, your need for quiet and space isn't a drawback but a characteristic to embrace in your self-care regimen. This Life After Placement article delves into practical ways to create a personalized self-care strategy that respects your introverted nature while promoting a healthy, fulfilling lifestyle.
Recharge in Solitude
As an introvert, your ideal form of rest likely includes spending time alone. Regularly schedule these crucial periods of solitude to disconnect from the world and reconnect with yourself. This isn’t about isolating yourself but ensuring you have the time to recover from daily social stresses. Whether reading a book, taking a long walk, or just sitting quietly, these moments alone are vital in resetting your emotional and mental state, allowing you to return to your daily tasks refreshed and focused.
Embrace Mindfulness and Meditation
Incorporating mindfulness meditation or deep breathing exercises into your routine can dramatically improve your inner peace and mental clarity. These practices help manage stress and enhance your focus, which is especially important for someone who might feel overwhelmed by external stimuli. Start with just a few minutes a day and gradually increase the duration as you become more comfortable. This can form a protective mental barrier that helps you maintain calm in social situations.
Explore Online Learning
If social anxiety hinders your educational ambitions, take a look at online degree programs. These platforms provide a quality education with the added benefit of learning from the comfort of your home, on your own schedule. For instance, a cybersecurity degree could empower you to thrive in it and other industries. As an introvert, you'll find the digital classroom conducive to your style, where interactions occur through written exchanges, offering a comfortable medium for you to articulate your thoughts and ideas. This mode of learning caters to your comfort while respecting your pace and privacy.
Cultivate Self-Compassion
Practicing self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment and recognize that it’s okay to have limits and not always meet everyone’s expectations. Celebrate your strengths and forgive yourself for your mistakes. This mindset can relieve the pressure to conform to extroverted norms and encourage a healthier self-image.
Maintain Nutritional Well-Being
Prioritize a diet that fuels your body and mind. Eating balanced, nutritious meals and staying hydrated can significantly affect your energy levels and mood. Simple changes like incorporating more whole foods, drinking enough water, and reducing your intake of processed snacks can make a noticeable difference in how you feel physically and mentally throughout the day. When your body feels good, it’s easier for your mind to feel good too.
Set and Communicate Boundaries
Defining and communicating your boundaries is essential for maintaining your mental health. Let those around you know when and why you need to withdraw without feeling guilty. Being clear about your limits helps others understand your needs and empowers you to stay true to your nature. Remember, setting boundaries isn’t selfish; it’s a necessary form of self-respect.
Design Your Personal Sanctuary
Craft a personal oasis in your home, where the warm glow of soft lighting and the comfort of plush pillows create a perfect escape from everyday stresses. Populate this space with your favorite books and tunes, elements that invite tranquility and restoration. This secluded nook serves as your private retreat, a sanctuary where you can recharge undisturbed. Here, surrounded in comfort, you regain energy and peace at your rhythm.
In embracing these strategies, you weave a safety net that not only catches you when the world seems too much but also bolsters you to face it with renewed energy and a clearer mind. Tailoring your self-care routine to fit your introverted qualities ensures that you look after your deepest needs, allowing you to thrive in all other areas of your life. Through understanding and accommodating your unique temperament, you can construct a life of wellness that feels authentic and entirely your own.
Thank you to Jill Palmer, Writer. Supported by Life After Placement
How Meditation Can Help You Maintain Self-Care
The importance of self-care is crucial, as we can all benefit from slowing down and looking inward. This type of “time in” not only quiets the body and mind to relieve stress, but it also helps us get to know ourselves and understand our own thoughts, emotions, and hopes.
Meditation is one simple way people can work this important self-care practice into their lives. Meditation can be done in minutes, requires no special equipment or setting, and is a discreet practice anyone can learn. Passive meditations like yoga nidra and yin yoga are especially subtle options for people also looking to release tension and dive a little deeper. Today, Life After Placement offers insight into how to approach meditation to find healing and calm..
Why Meditation?
Meditation isn't just simple — it's also powerful. Meditation is widely recognized as an effective therapy for pain, depression, anxiety, and insomnia. It also improves confidence, creativity, and focus.
While meditation is no substitute for seeing healthcare professionals (make sure your insurance is up to date), it can be an important part of maintaining your health and wellness.
Get Started with Meditation
Ready to give it a try? Follow these steps to start your meditation practice.
1. Choose a meditation style
There's more than one way to meditate. Experiment with these meditation techniques to find what works for you.
● Mindfulness meditation is popular in large part due to its simplicity. In mindfulness meditation, the practitioner allows thoughts, feelings, and sensations to flow through the mind without analysis or judgment. Mindfulness meditation practices include guided meditations, body scans, and breath meditation.
● Transcendental meditation is a type of mantra meditation that involves silently repeating a mantra for 20 minutes while allowing thoughts to come and go.
● Focused meditations use the five senses to concentrate on something intently. That may be a sound, image, tactile sensation, smell, or your own breath. Similar to focused meditation, visualization meditations use an imaginary scene to evoke a sense of calm.
● Movement meditation is an active form of meditation that includes yoga and qigong. Walking and other gentle motion may also serve as movement meditation. In fact, depending on how close you live to your destination, you could make running errands part of your meditation routine!
2. Set up your space for relaxation
If possible, take a moment to clear your space before beginning meditation. A cleansing ritual clears hostility, tension, and other negative emotions from a space to create a sense of calm. A full cleansing ritual involves disposing of clutter and broken items, cleaning doors and windows, smudging, and salt cleansing.
Lighting a candle or incense and setting an intention is a simple way to banish negative energy when a full cleansing isn't an option. Add some flowers to this space, too. Flowers can help you relax, as they can produce those feel-good chemicals in your brain that relieve stress.
Consider adding a custom-designed poster that has your personal mantra or other motivational statement on it to encourage yourself to share your individuality with the world and center yourself in this space. There are gorgeous templates to get you started. Then, you can customize the design and message to fit your desires.
3. Breathe deeply
The breath is an important part of any meditation practice. Deep breathing triggers a relaxation response from the parasympathetic nervous system. For that reason, deep breathing is a valuable relaxation technique on its own. Focus on expanding the belly and ribs on each inhale and deflating fully with each exhale.
4. Practice!
Meditation often feels awkward or silly at first. That's okay! It's normal for the mind to wander when you’re new to meditation. Just like anything else, meditation is a skill to develop. Ten minutes is a good goal for meditation length but many people start with 2–3-minute meditations as they build endurance. Rather than deciding meditation doesn't fit your lifestyle, build it up slowly until it becomes a habit.
Find Your Center with Meditation
Meditation is a powerful self-care tool for everyone, but it’s especially valuable right now. Whether you’re working from home or have returned to the office, or need to tap inner strength to keep moving forward, meditation can help you get there.
Choosing to give up a child is a difficult and often heartbreaking decision. Seek the support you need to process your emotions and make peace with your situation through Life After Placement
Special thanks, Leslie Campos
Essential Advice for Accepting Changes
Essential Advice for Accepting Changes
Have you struggled to accept the ways in which your life has changed after the pandemic? It’s normal to miss the days before the pandemic. Now, however, is the time to embrace the present circumstances, even as mandates are lifted, and make the best of it all. From finding safe things to do in your area to applying for new jobs, you can turn over a new leaf. The following tips from Life After Placement will help you chart a new course.
Tackling Responsibilities
From scheduling doctor’s appointments to helping relatives in need to stopping by the post office, some items on your to-do list can’t be postponed. For families that need to relocate, house hunting can’t be put off! If now’s the time you need to move, you’ll need to review your credit score, gather the necessary paperwork for your lender, look for a great real estate agent, and figure out what you can afford to spend on your new home. If buying isn’t in the cards, you can still find a rental that accommodates your family and your budget.
Finding New Employment
Many industries suffered due to the pandemic, and as a result, countless people found themselves out of work. Perhaps you’re currently job hunting and looking for remote opportunities. If you want to boost your chances of landing a new position, practice your virtual interview techniques! For example, AirSwift recommends testing out your technology, rehearsing your answers to common interview questions in advance, and finding a quiet space where you can speak without interruption.
While looking for a job, you may decide that it’s time for a complete career overhaul. For instance, if you’ve always dreamed of earning your bachelor’s or master’s degree in something like business, there are options you can explore online. This way, you can earn your business degree on your own schedule while still making time for things like your family, your job, and any hobbies that help you unwind at the end of the day.
Don’t forget about the importance of an updated resume to have on hand. You can use a resume template that’s free and available online to produce a slick, professional-grade resume in no time. Plus, once you have all your information in place, downloading the finished product is a snap, and you can either print it out for interview day or send as a digital file to prospective employers.
Remote Work with Kids
Maybe you have kept your job despite the pandemic and its aftermath, but now you’re working from home instead of heading into the office every day. When you have children, this can be a challenging arrangement to get used to!
Older kids have returned to in-person learning during the day, but when you have toddlers, keeping an eye on them while working is a difficult balancing act. Try getting up earlier than usual to get work done before they wake up, and make sure to stay productive during their nap time — this is the simplest way to tackle everything without distractions.
Adopting a Dog
If you’re ready to jump on the pet adoption train, good for you! There are countless benefits to adopting a dog. Not only does having a playful pup require daily walks outside, which will encourage you to move, but dogs can help soothe stress and lower symptoms of depression and anxiety. It’s a win-win!
When preparing to bring home a dog, be mindful about the breed and size you choose based on your living situation. For example, a very large dog might have trouble in a small apartment, though there are several large breeds that do just fine in smaller homes like Rottweilers, Mastiffs and Great Danes. Bear in mind that a larger dog will also require a larger and more durable crate. Whatever you choose, you’ll also need to plan for vet bills, and purchase necessities like food, bowls for food and water, a leash or harness, a collar and an ID tag.
Focusing on Fitness
If you still have extra time at home, you might be looking for a new hobby that you can practice indoors. This is the perfect time to incorporate home workouts into your daily routine! You may not have the same equipment that you would use at the gym, but, as Woman’s Day notes, even doing simple exercises like push-ups, planks, and chair sits can be beneficial to your overall health! Taking walks outside is also a great way to work out while staying safe.
If you’re hoping to lose weight, you may also need to overhaul your diet. For instance, you could challenge yourself to cut out sugar for a few weeks to see how you feel. In addition, you can shop for immunity-boosting foods like citrus fruits, greens, and root vegetables.
Protecting Your Household
Even after the pandemic, even a simple trip to the grocery can feel like a risky excursion, especially in certain regions of the country. Naturally, wearing masks is the easiest way to protect your household from exposure to COVID-19, but what if you have children who don’t like wearing them? Healthy Children recommends encouraging your kids to decorate masks so that they’ll be excited to put them on!
You may have struggled to cope with the countless changes the pandemic brought, but becoming more adaptable and finding the bright side post-pandemic will serve you well. With this advice, you’ll begin viewing this period as an opportunity for a fresh start.
Photo via Pexels
With over 40 years of combined adoption experience, Life After Placement is moving forward together in providing resources and support for birth mothers. Connect today to find out more!
Author, Gwen Payne
3 Bad Habits You Should Change Starting Today
An individual's quality of life depends on the decisions they take each day. In this article, we explore three healthy habits one can develop to improve their ability towards tackling challenges and creating a positive frame of mind.
Life After Placement offers events, online support, and monthly group meetings for birth mothers. Sign up today!
Stop Impulse Shopping
Recreational shopping, boredom shopping, window shopping, or anything else you want to call it is the act of purchasing commodities not based on need, rather on impulse. Places like malls, supermarkets, and online marketplaces are well aware of this consumer behavior and bank on it to increase their sales. While this may provide you a burst of happiness in the short term, in the long run, you will end up spending a large sum of money on items that bring no value to your life.
According to research, individuals who visit retail stores are more likely to make impulse purchases. Additionally, they are 40% more inclined to overspend than their original budget. Here’s how to overcome this habit:
● Use a budgeting app to keep track of your spending. It will alert you when you are about to reach your limit.
● Always have a list of items before going shopping, allowing you to reduce buying things on impulse.
● If you are prone to window shopping, start looking for alternatives to spend your time, such as going to a park, hitting the gym, etc.
Stop Saying Yes All The Time
Do you find yourself not having any time to dedicate to activities you love? Whether that be exercising, binge-watching, etc. Well, it’s time you learn to say no. Often individuals are afraid of saying no due to the fear of being perceived as mean, selfish, or less agreeable. However, if you find yourself lacking in taking care of your needs, it is important to take a step back and learn to prioritize yourself.
It’s easy to recognize when you overstep boundaries, however when you’re someone who constantly puts others over yourself, it becomes difficult to realize when others have done the same. Here are a few ways to balance your priorities while continuing to be a good friend, spouse, or co-worker:
● Dedicate time daily towards activities that bring you happiness and a sense of fulfillment.
● Communicate directly with others regarding your time and reasons. Identify those who respect your time and boundaries and those who don’t.
● Accept that you cannot please everyone, there will always be someone who feels let down. However, your priorities need to come first.
As reported by Kaiser Permanente, spending time doing what you like helps to reduce stress and negative thoughts while increasing happiness and well-being levels.
Stop Overworking
As reported by Blue Water Credit, Americans on average work 47 hours per week which adds up to almost an extra workday. This is a significant commitment that demands effort and money. Given that you are investing such an immense amount of time weekly, your job must provide your life value and satisfaction. If it does not, it can lead to the following issues:
● Feeling unmotivated to do the simplest of tasks
● Reduction in productivity leading to missed goals and timelines
● Anxiety about your finances, family, and the future
Finding a new job can seem like a daunting task, however, it will improve your mental health and overall quality of life. The pandemic has opened various new avenues for skilled professionals to monetize their talent. You are no longer stuck with the age-old concept of working 9-5. Opting to freelance or be self-employed will help you gain greater control over your time and finances. Here’s how to go about making a career change:
● Make a list of pros and cons about your job. Look for opportunities that have the pros but also help overcome the cons.
● Create goals from what you want to achieve with your new job, whether it be higher pay, more responsibilities, etc.
● Take advice from your network, family, and friends; communicate your ideas to them, and listen to their feedback with an open mind.
The key to improving your quality of life is to become self-aware of your actions and learn to prioritize your health and needs before focusing on external things.
Auther/Writer: Gwen Payne
A Woman's Guide to Coping with Stress and Improving Wellness
A Woman's Guide to Coping with Stress and Improving Wellness
Photo credit: Pexels.com
Stress is an inevitable part of everyday life. As a woman, you face unique stressors, such as trying to get pregnant—or, in case of an unplanned pregnancy, putting a child up for adoption. When hurdles like these arise, it's important to manage the ensuing stress with dedicated self-care. This guide from Life After Placement highlights some ways women can cope with the daily grind and improve their overall wellness.
Make your home an oasis of calm
Feeling your best starts at home. You want a zen place where you can retreat from the world when you need a moment of peace. The Washingtonian offers actionable advice for making your house more serene, such as adding luxurious throw blankets and incorporating more plants and flowers. Try to address all five senses when creating your calming space. For example, you might also add aromatherapy candles and relaxing music.
Establish a diet and exercise plan that works for you
A healthy diet and regular exercise will help you feel your best. The key to a healthy diet and exercise regimen is establishing a routine that works for you. If you don't like cooking, don't try elaborate recipes. There are plenty of healthy meals you can cook in less than 20 minutes. If you're not motivated to work out, treat yourself to some new exercise clothes to get inspired. High-waisted leggings are flattering and comfy.
Find productive ways to regulate emotions during stressful times
You can't cut stress out of your life completely. However, you can change the way you react to stressful events. Perhaps in the past, you'd reach for unhealthy habits like a drink or cigarette. Try to pivot and embrace healthier coping mechanisms instead. For example, meditating can help calm your nervous system, relaxing your body and mind. You can also try simple breathing exercises, journaling, or visualization to get calm.
Tackle issues that are stressing you out head-on
Make a list of the things that stress you out. There may be items on your list that consistently bother you that are worth changing. Your job is one example. If you aren't happy in your career, an online master's degree can open up new job opportunities. For example, an MBA can teach skills like marketing, human capital management, accounting, and economics. The benefit of an online program is its flexibility, as you can do it alongside your job. Whatever you choose, remember that career advancement can contribute to your overall wellness when you keep stress reduction top of mind.
Reframe your mindset with positive self-talk
Negative thinking can weigh you down and add to your daily stress. banish that mindset with positive self-talk. Delaware Psychological Services provide a how-to guide to positive self-talk. They recommend practicing gratitude, talking to yourself like you would a friend, and changing your vocabulary. It can also be helpful to take a timeout when you notice negative vibes creeping in.
Invest in your appearance to look and feel great
When you look good, your confidence will increase, and you'll feel good too. Ramp up your appearance with a wardrobe makeover. This step-by-step guide explains how, from decluttering to separating items according to season. You'll make room for new pieces that you love.
Establish a support network you can count on
Sometimes you can't manage stress alone. It's important to reach out for help in these instances. Having a solid group of friends or family you can turn to is invaluable. Regular socializing is also good for mental health. If you're dealing with more profound issues, like putting a child up for adoption, finding an online community of like-minded women can be useful. They'll know what you're going through.
There isn't one single solution to banishing stress and enhancing wellness. Instead, there are many small steps that can help you feel better and more energized. The above guide covers a few highlights.
Auther: Gwen Payne
For more content to help women who have placed a child for adoption, visit Life After Placement.
Some Tips for Regaining Your Confidence and Re-Entering the World
Reclaiming your sense of confidence after you’ve gone through a time of difficulty, loss, or stress can take some time. It’s important to be gentle with yourself and accept that it’s going to be a process. Also, everyone’s timeline for recuperation after going through any kind of hardship is different. For those who are struggling with both the challenges of a global pandemic and with the complex and often painful experience of placing a child for adoption, it may feel almost impossible to get out into the world or to resume certain activities. So don’t pressure yourself. Be patient and wait until you feel ready. At the same time, there are things you can do that may help you feel more confident, hopeful, and at peace.
Make sure you are getting enough sleep.
Getting a good night’s rest is essential for both your mental and physical well-being. However, individuals who have experienced stress, trauma, or other forms of difficulty may often find it harder to get the sleep they so desperately need. Talk to your provider if you are having trouble sleeping, to see what resources are available to help you. Some natural methods that may help you get a good night’s sleep involve sticking to a regular sleep routine, taking melatonin supplements, getting some exercise in, avoiding screens before bedtime, and cutting down on caffeine consumption.
Get the nutrients you need also.
You may be feeling a sense of loss or depletion, which is very real and valid. But you may also be feeling tired or physically run down because of what your body has experienced, so it’s important to keep eating well, and getting the right nutrients. Look for healthy and nutritious meals that are enjoyable, so you’ll be more motivated to eat them. Good eating habits don’t have to mean sacrifice and abstaining; eating well is about focusing on getting the nourishment you need- and the enjoyment of a good, healthy meal is a kind of nourishment too.
Find an exercise regimen that is safe, low-impact, and enjoyable.
How much exercise you should be doing right now depends on your status of postpartum recovery, any health issues you may have, and how active you were prior to pregnancy. Keep in mind that pushing yourself too hard can end up slowing down your healing process. You may possibly feel inclined to push yourself as a way of dealing with the complicated feelings you are having. This is totally understandable, but remember, in the long run, it’s better to take things slowly and master new fitness challenges one step at a time.
Protect your financial well-being.
Financial management can become stressful and overwhelming for those who have already been dealing with stress. The pandemic has made life more uncertain for countless people, and this can correlate with a loss of financial security. Processing the emotions that you may be having after placing your child can’t make this any easier. Still, it’s important to practice financial self-care by not overspending, budgeting well, and reducing unnecessary expenses, such as memberships or subscriptions you no longer use. You may also be able to alleviate financial stress by refinancing your home to get a lower mortgage payment and better rates.
Consider making some life changes if you feel the time is right.
Sometimes even small changes can make a big difference, such as quitting an unhealthy habit or pursuing a new hobby. But You may also want to consider making bigger life changes, such as going back to school for a degree or embarking on a new career. Earning an online degree in a business-related field such as marketing, economics, accounting, or management can open up many exciting new opportunities.
Again, what works for one person might be different from what works for the next. If these methods don’t work, look into other options. You may also benefit from the support and guidance of a good therapist or counselor. You can also find helpful resources and a supportive online community at Life After Placement.
Carrie Spencer - Writer
Mental Benefits of a Clean Home
Mental Benefits of a Clean Home
For the most part, the physical and logistical benefits of a clean home are relatively obvious. Keeping things nice and organized makes for a more practical and harmonious home environment, while cleanliness and hygiene hold the key to better health and well being.
But what about the psychological benefits of a clean home?
Believe it or not, investing just 20 minutes or so each day in energetic domestic duties really can make all the difference to your mental health. Studies have shown that those who make the effort to keep things clean on a regular basis tend to be happier and more content than those who allow things to fall into a state of disarray.
Here is how a clean home can contribute to a stronger and more stable sense of mental well being, day in and day out:
1. It Relieves Stress
First and foremost, extensive studies have shown that people tend to be more stressed, anxious, and unhappy in cluttered and chaotic environments. The cleaner and more orderly your surroundings, the more likely you are to feel relaxed, comfortable, and content.
Truth is, it is hard to relax and unwind when surrounded by all different categories of chaos and clutter. Something that is just as true at home as it is in the office – something to bear in mind when you head back to work.
2. It Boosts Productivity
Speaking of which, productivity has also been shown to improve significantly in a clean and serene environment. This can be particularly useful for those who work from home, though is also important for anyone running a busy family household.
Productivity is all about getting things done – whatever those ‘things’ happen to be. So, if you want to get more done with the time you have, getting things in order at home is a great place to start.
(click here to find more cleaning tips and hacks for smarter home cleaning)
3. It Brings Peace of Mind
A clean home brings peace of mind for the simple reason that once your home is spotlessly clean from top to bottom, you’ve one less thing to worry about. Infinitely more relaxing and reassuring than having a hundred things on your ‘to-do’ list that you keep putting off, day after day.
If there is something hanging over your head that needs to be done, you might as well do it. The sense of satisfaction and peace of mind that comes with a clean home more than justifies the effort required, enabling you to focus on more important and enjoyable things.
4. It Prevents Arguments and Upset
A cluttered and chaotic home does not represent the ideal backdrop for domestic bliss. When the place is a mess and nobody is pulling their weight, arguments and upset are inevitable. Something that can be avoided entirely by ensuring everybody knows and fulfills their responsibilities.
Getting everyone involved in the most basic domestic duties always holds the key to keeping the entire home clean and serene. Far better than allowing things to fall into a state of disarray, only to then start pointing the finger of blame at one another.
5. It Keeps You Active
Last but not least, research has shown that there’s nothing more effective for an everyday mental well being boost than physical activity. Absolutely any kind of exercise whatsoever is better for body and mind than no exercise at all. So, if you cannot stand housework and find it a boring waste of time, focus instead on the fact that you are giving yourself a workout in the process.
Best of all, housework is also a surprisingly efficient calorie-burner. Spend an hour or so tending to your floors around the home and you will have shed up to 200 calories, which is not half bad!
Tiffany Wong
Founder of AProudHome.com
Helping Create Beautiful Homes
Holiday Gifts to Show a Birth Mother You Care
Holiday Gifts to Show a Birth Mother You Care
Are you struggling with the right gift to buy a birth mother for the holidays? Shopping for a birth mother is a sensitive subject. While you want to acknowledge her journey, the last thing you want is to add heartache to the difficult decision of adopting out her child. Rather than shying away or resorting to a generic gift, give the birth mother in your life one of these budget-friendly gifts that will help her find comfort and healing through this challenging time.
Creature Comforts
Keep Them Warm: Shop Macys at Rakuten to Find Cozy Pajamas or Slippers
Streaming Service Gift Guide: What to Give Beyond Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon
Best Meal Kits for New Parents
6 Top Food Boxes for the Holidays and Beyond
5 Self-Care Massage Tools Everybody Should Own
Around-the-House Helpers
The Best Robot Vacuums for Every Home and Budget
7 Smart Home Gifts that Even Renters Will Love
9 Reasons Why the Instant Pot is Perfect for Busy Moms
A Doorbell Camera So Don't Have to Get Up to Check the Door
Hire a Housekeeper to Help Keep Clutter Low and Sanity High
Partner-to-Partner Gifting
Constantly Walking with Baby? Splurge on a Smartwatch to Help Track Your Steps
Best Wine Subscription and Boxes for When It’s Time to Wind Down
A French Terry Nursing and Sleep Bra to Keep Her Comfortable
A LeTote Subscription to Boost Their Wardrobe
The Best Weighted Blankets for People Who Are Always Cold
Other Gifts
The Best Things to Do for a New Mom
5 Reasons Why Aromatherapy is a New Mom’s Best Friend
30 Unique Gifts for Dog Owners
The 13 Best Sleep Gadgets to Help You Fall Asleep Faster
17 Stress Relief Christmas Gifts for Mom
No matter why a birth mother chooses adoption, you want to acknowledge her experiences as a mother. After all, pregnancy is a taxing journey regardless of how it ends. At the same time, it’s important to tread lightly — even gifts that seem thoughtful could make this time more difficult for a birth mother. Instead of buying a baby-oriented present, gift the birth mother in your life something meant to make the next steps in life a little bit easier.
Image via Unsplash
Written and provided by:
Kris Louis of parentingwithkris.com
Secrets and Lies
I am guilty! I have carried a secret and lied about it for 28 years. As a birth mother and my choice to place, I did what I thought was best for my child. Right or wrong, it was my choice. I will do my best to explain, without going into too much detail.
I placed without stating who the birth father was. I did, however, tell him I was pregnant - and he couldn’t face me. His parents on the other hand, did what they could to offer support. His mother told me that there are other women who claimed to be pregnant with his children. WHAT???
His parents talked to me a few times after that first meeting. I remember one time when they invited me for dinner and a movie at their house. During the movie their son passed me by without a word. His mother told him to say hello and not to be rude. He did say hello but rushed out the door to visit with his friends and his life seemed untouched with the news. At that moment, I realized I didn’t want him to be a part this child’s life.
After Placement, I met with the birth father and gave him a small picture of her and said I had placed her. He didn’t seem upset or mad. He just said, “Well, you look good; and I hope for best.” Later his mother called me. She very was upset to say the least! I didn’t blame her, but this was not her choice. I also didn’t want them the challenge my choice.
I told them that I placed with an agency and it was a closed adoption. I also stated that the family was in Florida. (Long story as to why Florida.)
When reuniting, as every birth mother will have to deal with, is what about my birth father? I told her what little I knew about him and that the sex was not consensual. I also told her that I lied to him about her placement and why. Even her adoptive parents did not want her to know about him or his name. I have kept that secret for many reasons. I knew at some point she would go looking for him.
As time passed, she would ask questions and I would again try to express why I made my choice but kept his information from her. In the beginning of our relationship, I had seen her dealing with drugs and other problems. He also was struggling with drugs. I felt that two drugs addicts would not mix well nor help each other. I also, wanted a relationship with her that felt solid. I would try my best to let her know the good attributes she got from him. Nothing more.
In a short time, four grandchildren came into the picture with four different fathers. Still, another unstable relationship, no stability in her life, she would ask me again and again who he is. Right or wrong, I choose not to tell her his last name. She did go looking for him, but I knew she couldn’t find him. (Crazy but, he and his family lived just blocks for her parents’ home.)
Nine years ago, I did call him for some personal information. He was nice and pleasant but didn’t really want to talk. He cut the conversation short because he was meeting up with some friends and had to go. 24 hours later his parents called me. They apologized for the last conversation and wanted to know about the grandchild. Again, I didn’t feel it was right for them to get involved with all the problems she was dealing with, let alone their son. So, I stayed committed to the lie.
Every once and awhile I would Google him to see what trouble he was into. The drugs were getting worse and this would only confirm I should keep this secret.
This year I was invited to a fellow birth mother’s wedding. She was also an adoptee; and was marrying the birth father of her twin boys. The wedding was beautiful! Her birth father, birth mother, adopted parents and the adoptive parents of the twin boys were there. It was an adoption dream wedding! Then it hit me again! Should I contact the birth father? This has, in a way, haunted me for a long time.
Well it was less than a week later I just couldn’t take it anymore. The nagging thought worked its way into another google search. In the second result, up came his obituary picture! I can’t tell you in words how or what I felt! It shell-shocked me! I opened my safe and pulled all the information I had on him. Called his cell number, as if this was really a joke. Called his stepfather, no answer! So, the last person I contacted was his mother. I messaged her on Facebook with just a few words.
“Me” - This is Lynea. Sorry to bother you, but I just saw the news about your son. I am so sorry.
I really did not think she would reply or if she was big into Facebook, but she did!
“Grand Mother” - Lynea, I’m so glad you contacted me. I tried to call you, but the number I has was bad. I lost my husband in September of 2015 and my son February of 2018. I’m all alone now, and it’s hard. Where are you living now? I hope your life is good and happy!! Have you heard from your daughter? I still have her picture and would love to meet her, do you have contact with her or know anything about her? Thank so much for contacting me. Please call me.
Confused and still stocked. When my husband came home, and I explained everything and felt as if I was going to explode! Not really thinking, I replied to her…
“Me” - I am so sorry. I live in Utah now. I would love to talk with you. There is a lot we should talk about. Some more in person. Call me anytime. May I ask how he died?
“Grand Mother” - Suicide
“Me” - Oh, I am so sorry.
“Grand Mother” - When would be a good time to call you?
“Me” - Anytime
“Grand Mother” - Now?
“Me” - Sure
It was screaming through my mind, “Is this really happening!?” My voice was shaking as the phone rang. I knew that I had to tell her the truth about the adoption but, NOT on the phone! She asked some questions and I answered what I could. I asked again to speak with her in person. We decided to give each other a few weeks to let things settle down with all the news we shared.
“Confession: When I talk about adoption relations, I know it is always best to be honest. I am now facing my past after 28 years. I needed birth fathers mother to know that I lied about my placement. “
Two weeks passed and she asked to come to my house and talk. I didn’t sleep all night! She is amazing! We have so much in common. As I struggled to find the right words to explain my choice, she very politely told me that the past can stay in the past. She gave me a chance to stop and I didn’t take it, I wanted her to know. She was very kind to me about my choice. She may not have known it, but she was able to give me closure. She let me know that her son was not in a good place the past 10 years with his battle with drugs. She told me he had a son by another woman.
At the end of our conversation, I reach behind the couch and gave her a framed photo of my daughter and the grand kids. Her adoptive parents always sent be small or crappy pictures of her and they were always late. I wanted her to have something more than I had from them, beautiful pictures that she would be proud to have.
The hard part was telling my daughter. I knew this would be hard for her, but she needed to know. I needed to give her the information of who her father was and his passing and then maybe introducing her to his mother. I knew from experience that she does not do well with bad news. She spins out of control for a while until she finds a good place. She would also expect empathetic favors.
It took almost a month to get her to commit to coming to my home and letting me have her time for 48 hours. This would help me help her, or so I thought. I was not going to tell her on the phone or through texting. My husband with the help of our son, made plans to watch the kids while I tell her the news. She came up and handed me the kid’s clothes and then the car seat. I asked her, “why are you giving me the car seat, are you not staying?” She said “No, just the kids.” This was not what we agreed to, but she fled using her arsenal of excuses.
She did not answer her phone nor text messages. It was 24 hours until she showed up. It was late, and I was so upset I couldn’t talk. We had the kids in bed, and I took a good look at her and said, “I don’t know how to tell you this without just vomiting it out.”
I told her everything. She cried and started to text her friends. She asked if she would leave to grab a Coke and breath of fresh air. She was angry and she had every right to be. She blamed me for not telling her his last name so she could have met him. She hated that I had spoken with his mother.
The next morning, she was blaming me again. I took the responsibility of not telling her his last name but nothing more. This was the only secret I kept from her. I knew she would do this. Later that afternoon, we went to a store without the kids. She seemed a bit more settled, but she still was upset. She did agree that I was right about how she would react and confirmed that she was doing drugs.
The birth father’s mother later decided she would like to meet her granddaughter, so arrangements were made by her through texting. She was offered my attendance to avoid an uncomfortable situation and she agreed it would be better. But somehow, she then turned on me saying I had to oversee everything. This of course was through text and she got totally belligerent and crude calling me several of her disgusting pet names. When her newly found grandmother read this, she elected to postpone the meeting and sent my daughter and I a text stating she needed to cancel the date. My daughter thought the text came from me and went to the meeting only to find no one there. It was a very poor start to something I expected to be a gift to my daughter.
This will be a struggle for a while. I found such love and respect for the birth father’s mother. I don’t regret my choice, or how I have handled it. I found closure with letting out the secret and no longer committed to a lie. I was surprised that after all this time in my placement that I have a place in my heart for her. How amazing it is that through a death came this kind of love for someone. I can only pray that my daughter finds that too.
I hope whom ever reads this understand that placement is a lifelong struggle. It just doesn’t stop after signing the papers. It is life and we can more forward, but we have those moments that hit us hard enough we must adjust. Collect our thoughts and emotions to move forward.
This is My Life After Placement.
Married to a Birth Mother and Acceptance
I like to listen to coaches who have a clear message about life and what is needed to succeed. Listening to Gary John Bishop last week I was impressed by his insight. If you want some very good retrospect on your life you should either read or listen to this book, UnFU*K Yourself. It’s fairly short and really to the point. As I listened to it I thought about Lynea’s life outlook and want to share what she did to emulate the focus of this read.
The first point made in chapter one is about acceptance. We either accept our situation or we don’t, period. If you are in a bad relationship, if your situation is poor, if you are not capable of moving ahead and have done nothing to change that for a long time, you are accepting your situation. You might cry, whine and wale about how bad things are but you have accepted it and will do nothing to change it. You have convinced yourself in your mind that this is the best it gets. You will talk yourself out of making hard choices and continue to suffer. You believe within yourself this is what you deserve.
Lynea married early and the man she chose was not ready to step up and be a partner. He spent money they didn’t have, spent a lot of his time with the boys and kept chasing girls. She was not willing to sit and accept the cards that life dealt her. She chose to walk out on the marriage flat broke and nowhere to go. Because of the debt he put them in the only choice was bankruptcy. She found a job and did everything she could to fix her life. Accepting someone in your life who does not respect you or treat you honorably should never be tolerated from the beginning and she knew that. As bleak as the road ahead appeared it was more acceptable than living as a victim.
A short time later she found herself pregnant from a date rape. She had to make decisions for her and the child she was carrying. She did not cry, wring her hands and hope someone would fix her situation, she pondered her choices and knew that it would be the best decision to place. She also did not accept the notion that she must give the decision over to some authorities who would make her go away without choices with a closed adoption. She chose to find the parents for her daughter and took all of this upon herself to make it happen. There is a long continuing saga about this subject and why Lynea created Life-After-Placement. Rather than willingly be scorned for placing and hushed for her sins she chose to help other women work through the challenges faced with the loss of a child and the life-long trauma and scars it leaves on many.
It took her a while but did find another man she fell deeply in love with. But it didn’t take long after the marriage to find herself with a narcissistic, egotistic partner. She was being abused and treated like a lessor person in the adventure with infidelity showing its ugly face. Rather than staying submissive and less, and many said she should since this was a second marriage and you can’t keep quitting, she packed her bags and set out again with nothing. Again, she was a victim but refused to stay one.
This was the point when I met her. She was determined that her life was no longer going to be reliant on anyone else for her success. She was living in an apartment but not long after she managed to buy her own home on a meager salary. She saved and did the things that were best for her and refused to allow anyone or anything to pull her focus away. It took me two years to convince her I was not like others and would not take advantage of her. To this day she refuses to let anyone put her in a situation that would require letting go of her self-reliance. If there is one scar that really remains it is her fear of trusting a partner.
Her success is due to not quitting and not accepting anything but what she was willing to. Many people see her today as someone with a lot going for her and quite well off. She did not get there by someone else making it happen. She got there because no price was too large to pay for her self-respect. She will tell you it wasn’t easy but it was much better than accepting the other choices placed on her. She struggles like everyone else but the one thing she will never do is be a victim.
No one’s life is always perfect and we all face challenges that are hard. As I look at some of the women who Lynea tries to help I do see some pretty tough situations, many of them almost seem impossible to find a road ahead but I also know that determination and not accepting less will make a difference just as it did for her. It won’t happen overnight but if you are truly willing to accept nothing but what is best for you, you will find a way.
Doubt
Doubt is something that is constant in my life. I don’t know how many times I have doubted the decisions I have made even when all has gone well. Possibly it came at an early age. I have always questioned the norm so doubt comes as a part of the process. As a child my parents were very ingrained in their religious beliefs. In the beginning I followed as all of the other siblings did not ever questioning their guidance. But as the years moved on, I found myself having doubt about many of the things I should just accept. I wanted things to be clear and concise but religion is not clear and concise so I challenged many of the standards. That did not sit well with my parents, but I have my father’s determination, so I held strong to my need for reason.
When I became pregnant I had some serious decisions to make for the future of my child. Almost every option created a great deal of doubt. I don’t know how anyone can just decide and be good with their first option. I went through every one of them analyzing the plus and minuses. I had made a decision to move forward with abortion but that was met with strong doubt once I was faced with the reality sitting in the doctor’s office. That doubt pushed me away from any thoughts for taking a life. I had enormous doubt thinking about raising a child on my own but it was mostly based on the knowledge that I would need my parents support to make it work since my financial situation was a mess from my ex-husbands antics. I could see no positive results from that choice. As I finally settled on adoption, I kept on doubting this decision up to the day I finally placed. It was a roller coaster of emotions, fear and yes, doubt.
When I received a call from my adoptive parents asking me to interact with our daughter I ate large doses of doubt. I just knew in my heart getting involved with a brain dead teenager was not going to have a happy ending for anyone. Eventually I did accept their wishes and met the baby I placed 13 years earlier. It was almost a disaster from the start. Over the next 14 years I can guarantee you I have toyed with doubt on so many things with our relationship it would be almost impossible to count. She has set me up so many times only to hurt me that doubt is a part of every interaction in our relationship.
Creating, growing and managing Life-After-Placement has overwhelmed me with doubt so many times. When you are attacked by others, challenged with the time that this requires of you and face the financial impact you constantly doubt your decisions. I have numerous times when it would be so much easier to quit but I have a purpose and it seems to overcome doubt. I do at times need a great deal of emotional support to get through it all but in the end I slowly see growth and a future for this organization. It is here to make the world aware of what birth mothers stand for and the sacrifices we have made for others. It is here to show all we deserve a much higher standing then we have been given for so many years. I will always have doubt on decisions but if I can see I am moving toward the goal post, no matter how slowly I will continue to be a voice for birth mothers.
My Sharing as a Birth Mother
Sharing has many meanings to me as a birth mother. There are so many things we share in our lives from the time we create life through the years we experience the multitude of interactions it brings. When you become pregnant you are sharing your body with another human life. For nine months, your body is sharing the essentials for the creation, growth and sustaining of life. For some women, it becomes a tremendous hardship which was never expected. It can drain you of your physical abilities and functions. For some of us it is life threatening yet we continue for the sake of the child. And for some it is just an inconvenience but handled very naturally with little or no physical trauma. But for all it is a life changing experience which will affect you for all time. It is also an experience which places a link which never is broken. Your body created this life and by sharing your body, your creation is a part of you forever.
After birth, many share our body by breast feeding. Everything we eat and do will affect that child. If you eat the wrong things it will soon be apparent in the baby’s reaction. Your time must be shared and your personal time becomes almost non-existent. This life you have created now has an enormous demand on every minute of your day. You can only hope they sleep long enough you can find a minute’s experience for yourself.
As a birth mother, I can say that sharing your body is also a part of your life regardless of your decision. Through the years after placement and then having my son I found when I was reunited with my daughter, I was sharing my heart, mind and soul not only with her but with her adoptive parents. I’ll try to explain this in detail.
The bond between mother and child is never broken. Recent studies reinforce this theory. They have shown that the connection may not be understood but exists and that the yearning to find each other feels like a missing puzzle piece that some adoptive children don’t understand. They just feel lost inside. For a birth mother, it like a part of our heart is missing. Emotional this loss can affect both mother and child to the point it becomes a mental disorder that can’t be overcome if not dealt with from the beginning. Therefore, post-placement care is critical for birth mothers.
Sharing with the adoptive parents is a huge thing in our lives, especially in open adoptions. We have given a part of our self to another and hope the they will love this child as much as we do. We placed for the hope that others could provide what we were unable to do. We never just gave up. We want our sacrifice to be honored. Sharing with adoptive parents is hard but it can be amazing if the love and respect for each other exists. Knowing we shared our precious life and that the ones we shared it with provide love for that child helps ease the pain.
I don’t think I realized how much love I left with my adoptive parents till things became difficult with our daughter. For years I felt we shared a bond which was the love we both had for her and each other. I found this was not shared at all by them. It almost killed me. Dealing with the grief of placement and finding peace in my decision took years and now was gone. To watch our child self-destruct is extremely difficult to bare but knowing her parents didn’t share that love towards me or her was devastating. The commitments made and the honor for them I had was all a ruse. They only needed my child and their words of sharing and love for me were only to convince me to place, not to love me as I did them.
As women, we are expected to share our selves. We must share our self as a mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter etc. Being bound to a child is such an amazing bond but it at times can be heart breaking. My husband said that when his step daughter was causing problems as a teenager and an officer walk her to the door he stated, “God made teenagers so it makes it easier to let them go!” How true this comment was but it doesn’t make it emotionally easy to let go. I’m not sure we ever let go. There is always a bond within us which will drive our love no matter how difficult life gets. Probably sharing our bodies and creating life makes a life-long connection which can never be broken.
Married to a Birth Mother and seeing the Envy
Envy to me is the scourge of all time. It is a curse upon one’s ability to think critically and make sensible reasoning possible. I read a book a while back on Envy by Helmut Schoeck. If anyone wishes to get a very good sense of the true meaning of envy it is something you should take the time to read. He takes the mentality of envy back to tribal times where all people are expected to conform to the rules set by the wise and all-knowing. If anyone was driven with a sense of self-expansion they were either disciplined or cast out. It was forbidden to seek more or want more. This was envy at its primal stages.
Envy through the years has been dampened in use and meaning. As it is defined, it is a distain or sense of discontent for the success and accomplishments of others. Synonymous words are jealousy, covetousness, resentment, and bitterness. None of those shows any want to emulate those who do exceed the tribe and choose to become more.
Envy is a very dark infliction on humans. With envy you wish for others to fail. It is not that you wish to reach the same level or exceed the person, you want them to crash and there is no betterment in it for you. If you think about how many people think this way it is troubling. Possibly some people don’t deserve the honors and acclaim they have acquired but most do and to wish them a disastrous outcome is wrong. Rather you should seek to find you own path to meet or beat them without wishing them harm. Competition is not wrong, it is human nature to want more and find ways to get it. What is wrong is wishing others a collapse which you think will bring you some comfort. It doesn’t and never has. Seeing others in grief due to a personal downfall doesn’t change your life one bit. How would someone else’s demise make your world a better place? Wishing to capitalize on the accomplishments of others will never bring you happiness either.
I have been an observer in Lynea’s Life-After-Placement venture and I find it amazing how much envy goes on with people who are trying to accomplish the same objectives but want to ostracize their self-proclaimed adversaries. I think what Lynea is doing is amazing and she has no desire to be deemed a saint, savoir or superior to anyone. She wants to help birth mothers who can use her insight and experience to help them with their journey, which I can see over 25 years is an ongoing adventure with so many ups and downs. Both birth parents and adoptive parents need someone like her to find answers to human interaction which is so delicate and trying. Wanting her to fail doesn’t seem sensible to me. What would that accomplish? It would remove a truly dedicated advocate of birth mothers from having a voice in the adoptions community giving sound reasons for change and why would that be a good thing? She spends endless hours of time with no compensation just to advance the dialog and give that voice for birth mothers.
We should think about what it is in our lives that give us a sense of pain and sorrow and see what it is that will change it. Positive thoughts are the most uplifting thing anyone can do to change their situation. I’m a convicted believer that the mind controls all of our actions and outcomes. Allowing yourself to be dragged down the hole of despair is detrimental to your life and those who surround you. Bad thoughts beget bad thoughts and positive thoughts beget positive thoughts.
I really like a recent commercial for Eat the Frog, a franchise fitness group. They choose the name from a statement Mark Twain made years ago. He said “Get up each morning and eat a live frog, your day can only get better from there”. So, look at your situation and think about how many people are worse off than you. No matter how much our political elite try and convince us we are living in a bad place, there is no better place to be on this planet than in America. That should give you your first positive thought and from there look at what opportunities are available to you if you really want them. That’s a hard sale to the people in many third world countries. Convincing them your situation is bad might not be too easy to get across. Love life and keep pushing forward, shake off those who bring you down and never let envy be your guide. Lastly, love others for the good you see in them. If you take off the envy glasses you might find there are things about them that truly do make them amazing people.
Bob Spears
Another Perspective being Married to a Birth Mother!
Lynea and I were discussing the hardships of personal relationships birthmothers experience as a result of placing. I had never really thought about these things on a personal level before but started to see what might be a really hard situation. I have been married three times, not a point of pride but rather it does bring me a lot of experience with baggage brought into a marriage.
My second marriage tied together children from the previous one. I knew going into the marriage I was taking on two children who would be in my world every day. There was no way I was going to believe I could ever have a satisfactory relationship with my wife without fully taking her children as my own and to her credit, she allowed me to be their father. However she was not as willing to accept my children and considered them as outside of the family, possibly because they did not live with us but more so it seemed to be a jealousy situation. We fought constantly over things like paying child support, bringing them over on a regular basis and just flat making them apart of our world. She would manage to provide some cheap gift to them on the holidays while flourishing her own with unbelievable amounts. On the other hand her children were completely accepted by me and I treated them as my own. Considering the fact that I raised them from small children to their adulthood how else would you live your life without loving them unconditionally. Our marriage failed due to my wife’s narcissistic personality but not due to her children. We shared one child together but there was no difference in how they were treated.
When Lynea and I decided to marry, I knew she was a birth mother and this child although not in her daily life was a part of it. Maybe because she made me aware of her situation and never hid the fact this child was a part of her that we had a great understanding of what level she would be in our lives. The one thing I know is through living almost 20 years with her this child had to be a part of me as well. At times it is overwhelming and at other times it is heartbreaking. Along with Lynea I have taken this girl as mine as well. This is not a separate thing in Lynea’s life. It is something we both deal with and come to terms with constantly. Marriage that works does not separate us; it is a constant working situation where we support each other to make things stronger. Any partner who believes you can separate yourself from the emotions and trials of your spouse is living in a fantasy world.
The funny thing about our life with this child is that sometimes I am more lenient than she is. We both grimace over her poor choices and feel the heartache of the carnage she leave along the way. We both take turns helping the other to work though the confusion we have for her actions. This is what a marriage is all about. I don’t see a lot of changes happening in the future but we both love this girl and our grandchildren. We will both continue to deal with the trials and tribulations as they occur. At times I’ll want to bail out and at other time she will but we will hold each other together as we continue to fight a good fight
I’m not a professional or have all of the answers to life but what I do know from my time on this planet is that relationships only work when there is an understanding and each person accepts the other for who they are. That is not to say someone who is abusive or narcissistic should be tolerated but it does mean that you can’t believe having unresolved or unacceptable situations between you will make a lasting bond. I know all too well how being a birth mother ties a woman to her child for the rest of her life. Regardless of whether she chooses to share her feelings about of not, it does exist and will be a part of her life forever. Accepting that decision and helping her deal with it should be within the mates soul and love for her. We choose to become mates because we wanted someone who would make our lives complete. This only happens when we help make their life complete. Selfish people seldom find happiness and if they do it is not through relationships. Love can only endure when you both love. You can’t accept the fact that the love of one will compensate for both. You also need to come to grips with the fact that there are times when the road ahead will seem too hard to travel. If you truly do give love to your spouse they will be willing to find a way back to the smoother lanes.
I kid Lynea telling her that there are two sides to any argument, hers and hers. That is not true but it does serve a point. Being right doesn’t always allow you to win and having to win is a huge human flaw in character. Understanding the other person’s challenges and wanting them to be happy should be life’s endeavor. Birth Mothers made a great sacrifice in their life and need a soul mate to let them know what they did was right for the time and place. I truly believe Lynea made her choice out of uncompromising love for her daughter and no other reason. She wanted the best life for her and lives her life still hoping some way that will happen. How could I ever deny helping her through these times? I married her because I love her and want her to be a part of mine. Only by supporting her will I ever hope to keep our relationship solid and true. I hope others will see that vision because these birth mothers deserve all of the help we can give.
I would be happy to share any conversations about my part in Lynea’s life as a birth mother and how I see her role as the founder of Life-After-Placement. I think I have a pure outlook on what this journey is all about. I want her to succeed because by doing so she will change a long time stigma which still exists that birth mothers are women who should hide and stay out of the light. I don’t accept the fact that adoptive parents are the great hope and saved some child from a horrible fate. Birth mothers provided them with a part of themselves and it is a gift which should be sacred. I am more than willing to preach this sermon to all who will listen.
My First Mother's Day Card
I need to give a bit of a history on how Mother’s Day started with me.
When I was 6 months pregnant, I have already started my adoption plan. I was not sure how it was going to work out but it was a plan in the making. I was home making a special dinner for my mother. They were at church. On Mother’s Day, they handed out flowers to all the Mothers. My Dad grab one and come home to give it to me. It was strange for me. Am I a mother yet or am I giving that title away? No matter the feeling I was grateful for my Dad to think of me. Later that day my mother saw the flower and ask how I got it. I told her and the look of “Why” came over her face, she shook her head and walk away.
The years following were never good for me on Mother’s Day. I didn’t not know about Birth Mother’s Day then but Mother’s Day just felt like a day I was not allowed to celebrate. When I had my son, I felt a bit better about this day.
Last Thursday I was at group out a bunch of birth Mother's Day gifts and made sure everyone received the card in the mail early in the month. When I got home, I was so exhausted and by Friday afternoon I needed to leave town. We went up camping where there was no service. I didn't want to deal with Birth Mother's Day or Mother's Day.
My Son surprised me with his own thought out gift! My husband as always makes the best of the two days I struggle with. It was great family time.
On my way home I received a text from a neighbor saying they stopped by the house. They had something for me. I just got home Sunday late afternoon. Opened the front door. A gift by the door with a card. A neighbor up the street is an adoptive parent. I've never actually met her other than Face Book. I opened the card and I froze holding the tears back. This was my first Birth Mother's Day card in 26 years!
I had never really thought about receiving a Birth Mother’s card so this was amazing to me. Out there are people who honor what we have done and respect us. You never know what might come back to you but as life goes on special things can happen to make your day.
My heart full of LOVE!
My Holidays
Holidays have always been a struggle for me since placing my daughter so many years ago. They are focused on family interaction and that doesn’t happen too often for birth mothers. Some might have a great relationship where they are a part of the adoptive family and enjoy the interaction of the seasons and times but for me they were a time of pain and suffering. I was never made a part of any of these activities in my daughter’s life even to see if she was experiencing the warmth and collaboration that are typical. I spent those special days wondering what it would be like if I had the chance to be a part of it all. I have to admit I found myself in a deep depression with the loss.
There were three specific holidays which brought me total collapse each time, Christmas, Mother’s Day and her birthday. I actually would become so distraught that I would be physically sick for days before and after. I hated holidays and dreaded them coming up each year because I knew what they would do to me. No amount of preparation, counselling or avoidance could dampen the pain. Even after I made my own family this loss haunted me with little relief.
After re-uniting with my daughter, I thought maybe this might bring some joy. I thought that if my relationship with her was good this might be possible but it has only become worse. She only complicates this mess. Early in our re-uniting the adoptive parents were very protective of their ownership and would do all they could to prevent interaction with me especially on holidays. They would make sure their demands of her were so that no time was available to visit with me. As she grew older and somewhat started her own life, they still worked to dominate her time. They have always portrayed me as not being worth the oxygen I inhale and probably not knowing made the comment to her when they were unhappy with her actions, she was just like me. That has an impact.
She also seems to always make excuses for not making visits. I have 4 grandchildren and I spend time finding gifts and making sure they will have a special visit but my daughter always finds major problems arising to prevent her from coming to see me. Our relationship is always based on her mood and if I am not pleasing her and she doesn’t have a current need for me I am ostracized and avoided. We actually celebrated Christmas in March this year. My grandchildren wanted to know why I didn’t still have my Christmas tree up.
With Mother’s Day coming up quickly, I am again feeling the anxiety it brings. I know there will be no call or it will come a week later with some excuse of how her life was so dramatic that she was unable to pick up a phone and call. It will be an amazing story of how others caused a catastrophe that she was made to deal with and make well. I know it will be a complete fabrication as usual but somehow our lives will go on to the next event. It will again provide me with another example of how badly I hate the holidays.
I tell this story not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me or think a birth mother is a sad thing. I created Life-After-Placement because I want to educate birth parents and adoptive parents that what you create will live with you. Had the adoptive parents portrayed me as a good person who gave a great gift of life to them and showed respect for me, there might be a good chance this type of relationship would not be dealt with now and there’s a good chance this girl might not see herself as the person they painted me to be and willing to create a solid base.
There is no ownership of another human being even if you are the biological parents. You have a duty to your children to be honest so they can face life with the best tools they can. Your shortcomings and insecurities should not be used to damage them. Making mistakes is a part of our learning and most of us never stop but if we are honest about it we stand a greater chance of a better outcome. My daughter is a mess due to some biological reasons but how she dealt with it is beyond belief. Misinformation, lying and selfishness by her adoptive parents gave her a completely false idea of who she was and why she was. She was not given up, I did not abandon her, she is not a piece of crap like I was made to be and she is not an ownership rescued by them. Trying to correct those years of misinformation, lying and selfishness is exhausting and with how she has become probably impossible.
I hope someday I will look forward to holidays and think back on my days of sorrow as a learning time but it is hard to do right now. I do wish all Mothers a great day and hope it is filled with love, peace and excitement. You deserve it.
My Inspiration
Inspiration
Inspiration to me is not something that stays as a burning desire without a lot of challenges. My inspiration for Life-After-Placement was a result of years of struggle with emotional highs and lows. It grew as a result of finding a cause by living the nightmare. I have been told by many people that my story is negative, especially those in the adoption communities. My response is “no my story is not particularly negative it is reality which should be told”.
As I engaged with the adoption community I found that they wanted a bright and positive story. Mothers who had placed and provided an outlook that their choice was the best thing since the invention of the rock were paraded about. No one wanted to hear that there were many down sides to life for those of us who made a decision to place. I always made everyone aware that placement was my best choice but I found that just getting to a point in your life where this decision is required is not a great outcome. If a birth mother is in a situation where she is faced with placing then her life is complicated and she is generally in a bad place. How can you make that a positive thing?
I knew after my experiences in several organizations and being ostracized for my outgoing ways it might be time to think about how I could bring about an organization which focused on the birth mothers and what could be done to bring women together who shared my challenges and feelings. I was able to gather interest with some other birth mothers in the early stages and I thought we had a unified goal in mind. For various reasons this did not turn out to be for the good of all. It was painful but still inspired I decided this must go on. I knew I had a cause to believe in and that was my inspiration. It took a lot of time but it did happen.
Since that time I have donated hundreds of hours to Life-After-Placement along with a considerable amount of my own money. It is obvious that creating a non-profit organization is not for sissies. It also challenges me every day to stay the course. Inspiration is what keeps me going because I believe this is a good cause and it needs to keep moving forward. I thought doing the right thing should bring on cheers and applause and it does have its moments of deep satisfaction but it also brings out those who wish you failure and harm. For whatever reason some people hate the idea someone might be doing a good thing and it is not them so it needs to be torn down. I have spent a lot of hours crying over some of the hateful responses that are thrown at me but I do understand it is a part of the game.
I bring these things up because again inspiration is not something that goes without a lot of soul searching. I know what I’m doing is right and helping others is ingrained within me. My inspiration keeps me focused and motivated through all of the noise which surrounds me. Those of you who find real inspiration will know what I mean. It is deeply inside of you once you find it but it will be challenged constantly by others. You must be in touch with a higher power who can help you when the worst is coming at you. Make a vow to never give up and find people who believe in you and will help you get through it all.
Adoptive Mother's Voice on Jealousy
With all the amazing people that have come into my life and blessed me in so many ways, this lady has given me such support and love that I couldn’t possibly thank her enough. My adoptive family has never been supportive or welcoming. It really was meeting with adoptive parents that helped me process the negative with my family and know that this is not the case with all others. They have shown me what true love really is. When I met Rachel it was such a joy to speak with her and see the true love she has for birth mothers and now seeing her being an adoptive mother. She is glowing with love and KINDNESS and is an example for others to emulate. Although this month’s subject is on kindness, I felt having her position on jealousy go unheard would be a loss to us all. She brings a great perspective to us from the adoptive parents which should be shared. Please enjoy her outlook and know how much we are appreciated as birth mothers by those who know it is a blessing we have given them.
The topic I am writing about is what jealousy means to me as an adoptive mom; what jealousies do I feel, and what do I have a right to feel?
For me jealousy is real. Besides the basics of wishing I could bring my child into the world the way a woman's body is designed to; I worry and I am scared of not being enough. It's a real fear that seems ridiculous at times but at others overpowers me.
A little about me. I have two biological children ages 13 and 11 years old. I had a life saving hysterectomy at the age of 27. Two years later, I prayed to know if we should adopt. I felt my deceased grandmother tell me yes, and that she was with our daughter that had not yet been born. Present day, it has now been almost 7 years since we began preparing to adopt. We did foster care for about a year. We moved out of state and back; each time securing our home study for our next house. We were matched twice and things fell through. We had over 40 potential situations that we applied for that also fell through. I honestly wondered what was wrong with us that no one chose us. I felt jealous over those who had been chosen and placed with a child. Three years into our journey I dreamed vividly one night that I was holding our baby and he was a brown baby boy. When I awoke I told my husband. I was so at peace and happy, but it was a baby boy. My husband said maybe it was the Lord's way of telling us He had a baby boy for us, and to not give up on him too... Since then I have felt it is time to get ready for our daughter. We know this may take a while and we are now okay with that. We waited 5 years for our little Malachi; and I've realized in my 35 years of life on this Earth our timing is not always the same as God's. Our baby boy is almost 18 months old now which is hard to believe. His sweet spirit in our home is such a great blessing.
The times I felt jealousy in our adoption journey were very often. It was every time we applied for a situation and some other couple or family was chosen. I was hurt, upset and wondered what was wrong with us. When I first felt it for our son's birth mom it was the day I held him for the first time. He was three days old, a tiny newborn. I knew legally my sweet birth mother had the right to change her mind for another 4 days. We met her for the first time two days after meeting our son. The feelings of jealousy I felt was that even though he was in my arms she had complete control over us being a family. Did she have that right? Absolutely! I was scared to fully bond with our son. So I was jealous that she had power over making us a family. I knew many of the reasons she was making her decision and I knew it was more than fair for her to have that time to make her decision. After all, this was life changing, and it made logical sense to me, but I still felt jealous over it. Many times over those days, I would take a deep breath, push the fear away from the front of my thoughts. I would find faith in the fact that despite all odds she chose us and there must be some good she felt about our family to raise her beautiful child. I would then think of her, how hard this decision must be for her. How could she do it? Why was she doing it? How was she coping? And I would cry for the ache I felt she must be overwhelmed with. As scared as I was, she must be feeling it worse than I could possibly fathom. I would express my fears to my husband and then I would cry. He would agree with me and then tell me to look at our beautiful son and know all that he is, was because of her. And when the tears wouldn't stop my husband would gather our little family around the baby and we would pray for our beautiful birth mother. We never prayed that she wouldn't change her mind. We prayed that she would feel our love and she would feel peace in what ever decision she made. The day that relinquishment was final was the hardest day I have ever gone through. I cried uncontrollably. I didn't cry for me. I cried for her and her beautiful little man. I cried for the change of their relationship.
We have a beautiful open adoption with Malachi's birth family. We talk about everything. We talk a couple of times a week. I send pictures and videos. We video call each other. They are moving across the country to live closer to him and us. We are all so excited to spend more time together again. His birth mother and aunt call me "sis" and his cousin even calls me "auntie." Do I think we will never have disagreements? No. Do I think they like everything I do? No. We are different human beings. I'm sure she would do things her way if the roles were reversed. She doesn't tell me those things though. I imagine as our relationship continues to blossom she will. I am nervous about that time. I try not to let it worry me. I know we will get through those times and become stronger as long as we both are committed to each other.
The second time (and last time thus far) I have felt jealousy towards our birth mom was when he was four months old. I drove to pick up her family to come spend a few days with us after Thanksgiving. It was a two hour drive one way (They lived closer back then.) They made food to share with us from their culture also. The car was packed. While they stayed, I cooked and cleaned like a busy mom almost as if I that didn't have a newborn. I let them have every minute with Malachi. The first time Malachi was awake and his mom held him, I watched closely. I wondered if he remembered her. If he would love her and be okay with her. I remember thinking that he was so little that he would probably wonder about this visit one day too. So I had my camera on my phone ready. The most beautiful picture I have of the two of them (I feel) is that moment. He smiled the biggest toothless grin. His eyes lit up as she held him, nuzzled him and spoke to him. I was in tears. Tears of happiness. I was so glad he could give her that moment. I was so glad I documented that moment not just for him, but for her. They had spent all day with us, and each night I was more than happy to pick him up and carry him to our bedroom for the night to sleep. I missed him and was surprised how much I ached to hold him. I cried again thinking of how those feelings must be magnified for his birth mom. Exhausted I pushed away thoughts of jealousy as I fell asleep.
The next day I felt jealousy here and there but I buried it. I reasoned that I had no right to it. His grandmother hadn't seen him since my last visit a couple of months earlier and she was only able to hold him for 5 minutes. His birth mother had only had an hour at most since the last visit. They needed to know this baby was still very much a part of their lives and they share it with us as he grows up. I remember clearly the depth of pain I was in as I waited for our little baby to join our family during our five year adoption process. I would see babies and mothers in public and want to visit with them just hoping conversation with strangers would fill that void by visiting with me... I never did approach strangers but I could see how someone crazier than me, might do such a thing. I ached to hold crying children and comfort them. I would walk through the baby or small children's department in a store and find my vision blurry with unwanted moisture. From that pain I knew when the time came that my arms were full, I would always be aware of that achy feeling in others. I would allow my child to comfort the pain in others. I would never deny someone that opportunity to heal for a moment by holding my tiny angel. I knew thinking of his sweet birth family, they needed this baby and all the time they could get from us to be with him; and I would give them all of it. When he cried, I offered to hold him or tell them what he wanted but I never stepped in. I let them choose. I specifically said something like this, "I know you don't get enough time with him or us, I'll tell you what I think he needs but I will let you do it for him; unless you want me to do something, then let me know." At the end of our three day and two night visit, knowing I would be driving them home and thinking the baby would do better by staying at home with my husband due to the later part of the day and fussy time, I almost teared up. I wondered why but instantly knew. I missed my baby and I was emotionally exhausted by our visit. It was the best visit ever. Everything went well and there really was no extra stress or concerns to worry me and yet I was worried and stressed. I was worried my baby didn't know me or forgot about me. I was jealous of the time I had given them with my baby. I questioned if I should have structured things differently.
I found his Grandma trying to wake his birth mom to hold him so she could get a break. I told her I would take the baby. She apologized to me, seemingly worried to have me take him in their place. I reassured her, everything was okay, we were family, I did not mind holding him at all; I only wanted them to have all the time they wanted with him. She hugged me and thanked me for understanding. She thanked me?!!! It blew my mind. I have an amazing birth family and I feel indebted to them; it seems odd to me that they thank me, to this day! Later when it was time to drive them home I asked my husband to do it. I loved them and wanted to visit more but I was exhausted and ached to hold the baby. So I did, I held him, cried, thanked God for him and prayed for his beautiful birth family. Did I feel jealous? Yes. I hoped I handled it okay.
Every time we've had a visit I have seen the silent tears from his birth mom as she hugs him good-bye and kisses his face. It has always made me cry too. Her love, her sacrifices for him are innumerable! How could I ever hold my jealousies or insecurities against her? How could I ever resent her? Do I wonder what lies ahead? Yes. Do I worry I may have some of these jealousies to face in our son's future? Absolutely. I may need to write more on this topic in his teenage years. For now, I am so grateful for the blessings of having such an open adoption. So I take one day at a time. I keep our communication open and talk to her as much as I can. Why? I love and care for her. How could I not love the mother of my child? She is the ultimate blessing in our lives. His life is blessed because we know her.
I think one of the things that I replay in my head the most is when they told me, we were all family now that we had adopted their baby. I will never forget that. We ARE FAMILY! I see them as that in his life and ours. I will do my utmost to respect our differences and respect them. They are the reason my son is alive and I will always cherish their love for us and him. I remember the first time I met with a couple birth moms who became dear friends Lynea and Sonya (about 7 months before Malachi was born). Their stories haunt me. It makes me teary just thinking about their adoptions. I ache for them! How sad that there aren't enough adoptive families that truly love and respect their birth moms. I remember telling them how sad I was to hear about their stories. I felt guilty that I would put a birth mom through some of their pains. I literally felt a desire to quit trying to adopt. I didn't want to hurt another birth mom. Lynea and Sonya told me not to give up, that there are adoptive families needed. Lynea expressed the need to educate birth mothers and provide support to cope with placements. She told me she had devoted her life to helping other birth mothers like her. I admire these women and all that they do for the women they come in contact with. I want to help too.
In closing, I think I have learned jealousy is an emotional feeling. There's no logic in it. It's just a fear. I've also learned you can not have faith and fear at the same time. I have lived too much of my life in fear. I refuse to let fear rob me of any happiness I could enjoy by having faith instead. For all of the birth mothers and birth families out there in pain and hurting in your adoption, I express my sincerest sorrow for you and yours. Please know, I believe if fear is replaced with faith by all parties involved and healthy boundaries are set, and unconditional love is shown; I believe healing will happen. Healing may not come immediately or even over many weeks or years, but don't give up. Only do what you can. Do your best and forget the rest. Reach out when it is healthy to do so. If it isn't healthy or if your adoption is closed please know how loved you are! Your sacrifices are not completely ignored. There is gratitude from your adoptive families that they feel towards you; even if they do not express it or choose to suppress it.
You are loved. You are appreciated. You are not alone. There are people like me who wish to help and volunteer their time or resources to you. Do not give up. You are amazing. You are tough, strong, and smart. You are never forgotten. I love and care about you.
Rachel Douglas
An Adoptive Mom
