Married to a Birth Mother and Acceptance
I like to listen to coaches who have a clear message about life and what is needed to succeed. Listening to Gary John Bishop last week I was impressed by his insight. If you want some very good retrospect on your life you should either read or listen to this book, UnFU*K Yourself. It’s fairly short and really to the point. As I listened to it I thought about Lynea’s life outlook and want to share what she did to emulate the focus of this read.
The first point made in chapter one is about acceptance. We either accept our situation or we don’t, period. If you are in a bad relationship, if your situation is poor, if you are not capable of moving ahead and have done nothing to change that for a long time, you are accepting your situation. You might cry, whine and wale about how bad things are but you have accepted it and will do nothing to change it. You have convinced yourself in your mind that this is the best it gets. You will talk yourself out of making hard choices and continue to suffer. You believe within yourself this is what you deserve.
Lynea married early and the man she chose was not ready to step up and be a partner. He spent money they didn’t have, spent a lot of his time with the boys and kept chasing girls. She was not willing to sit and accept the cards that life dealt her. She chose to walk out on the marriage flat broke and nowhere to go. Because of the debt he put them in the only choice was bankruptcy. She found a job and did everything she could to fix her life. Accepting someone in your life who does not respect you or treat you honorably should never be tolerated from the beginning and she knew that. As bleak as the road ahead appeared it was more acceptable than living as a victim.
A short time later she found herself pregnant from a date rape. She had to make decisions for her and the child she was carrying. She did not cry, wring her hands and hope someone would fix her situation, she pondered her choices and knew that it would be the best decision to place. She also did not accept the notion that she must give the decision over to some authorities who would make her go away without choices with a closed adoption. She chose to find the parents for her daughter and took all of this upon herself to make it happen. There is a long continuing saga about this subject and why Lynea created Life-After-Placement. Rather than willingly be scorned for placing and hushed for her sins she chose to help other women work through the challenges faced with the loss of a child and the life-long trauma and scars it leaves on many.
It took her a while but did find another man she fell deeply in love with. But it didn’t take long after the marriage to find herself with a narcissistic, egotistic partner. She was being abused and treated like a lessor person in the adventure with infidelity showing its ugly face. Rather than staying submissive and less, and many said she should since this was a second marriage and you can’t keep quitting, she packed her bags and set out again with nothing. Again, she was a victim but refused to stay one.
This was the point when I met her. She was determined that her life was no longer going to be reliant on anyone else for her success. She was living in an apartment but not long after she managed to buy her own home on a meager salary. She saved and did the things that were best for her and refused to allow anyone or anything to pull her focus away. It took me two years to convince her I was not like others and would not take advantage of her. To this day she refuses to let anyone put her in a situation that would require letting go of her self-reliance. If there is one scar that really remains it is her fear of trusting a partner.
Her success is due to not quitting and not accepting anything but what she was willing to. Many people see her today as someone with a lot going for her and quite well off. She did not get there by someone else making it happen. She got there because no price was too large to pay for her self-respect. She will tell you it wasn’t easy but it was much better than accepting the other choices placed on her. She struggles like everyone else but the one thing she will never do is be a victim.
No one’s life is always perfect and we all face challenges that are hard. As I look at some of the women who Lynea tries to help I do see some pretty tough situations, many of them almost seem impossible to find a road ahead but I also know that determination and not accepting less will make a difference just as it did for her. It won’t happen overnight but if you are truly willing to accept nothing but what is best for you, you will find a way.