Doubt
Doubt is something that is constant in my life. I don’t know how many times I have doubted the decisions I have made even when all has gone well. Possibly it came at an early age. I have always questioned the norm so doubt comes as a part of the process. As a child my parents were very ingrained in their religious beliefs. In the beginning I followed as all of the other siblings did not ever questioning their guidance. But as the years moved on, I found myself having doubt about many of the things I should just accept. I wanted things to be clear and concise but religion is not clear and concise so I challenged many of the standards. That did not sit well with my parents, but I have my father’s determination, so I held strong to my need for reason.
When I became pregnant I had some serious decisions to make for the future of my child. Almost every option created a great deal of doubt. I don’t know how anyone can just decide and be good with their first option. I went through every one of them analyzing the plus and minuses. I had made a decision to move forward with abortion but that was met with strong doubt once I was faced with the reality sitting in the doctor’s office. That doubt pushed me away from any thoughts for taking a life. I had enormous doubt thinking about raising a child on my own but it was mostly based on the knowledge that I would need my parents support to make it work since my financial situation was a mess from my ex-husbands antics. I could see no positive results from that choice. As I finally settled on adoption, I kept on doubting this decision up to the day I finally placed. It was a roller coaster of emotions, fear and yes, doubt.
When I received a call from my adoptive parents asking me to interact with our daughter I ate large doses of doubt. I just knew in my heart getting involved with a brain dead teenager was not going to have a happy ending for anyone. Eventually I did accept their wishes and met the baby I placed 13 years earlier. It was almost a disaster from the start. Over the next 14 years I can guarantee you I have toyed with doubt on so many things with our relationship it would be almost impossible to count. She has set me up so many times only to hurt me that doubt is a part of every interaction in our relationship.
Creating, growing and managing Life-After-Placement has overwhelmed me with doubt so many times. When you are attacked by others, challenged with the time that this requires of you and face the financial impact you constantly doubt your decisions. I have numerous times when it would be so much easier to quit but I have a purpose and it seems to overcome doubt. I do at times need a great deal of emotional support to get through it all but in the end I slowly see growth and a future for this organization. It is here to make the world aware of what birth mothers stand for and the sacrifices we have made for others. It is here to show all we deserve a much higher standing then we have been given for so many years. I will always have doubt on decisions but if I can see I am moving toward the goal post, no matter how slowly I will continue to be a voice for birth mothers.