Married to a Birth Mother and seeing the Envy
Envy to me is the scourge of all time. It is a curse upon one’s ability to think critically and make sensible reasoning possible. I read a book a while back on Envy by Helmut Schoeck. If anyone wishes to get a very good sense of the true meaning of envy it is something you should take the time to read. He takes the mentality of envy back to tribal times where all people are expected to conform to the rules set by the wise and all-knowing. If anyone was driven with a sense of self-expansion they were either disciplined or cast out. It was forbidden to seek more or want more. This was envy at its primal stages.
Envy through the years has been dampened in use and meaning. As it is defined, it is a distain or sense of discontent for the success and accomplishments of others. Synonymous words are jealousy, covetousness, resentment, and bitterness. None of those shows any want to emulate those who do exceed the tribe and choose to become more.
Envy is a very dark infliction on humans. With envy you wish for others to fail. It is not that you wish to reach the same level or exceed the person, you want them to crash and there is no betterment in it for you. If you think about how many people think this way it is troubling. Possibly some people don’t deserve the honors and acclaim they have acquired but most do and to wish them a disastrous outcome is wrong. Rather you should seek to find you own path to meet or beat them without wishing them harm. Competition is not wrong, it is human nature to want more and find ways to get it. What is wrong is wishing others a collapse which you think will bring you some comfort. It doesn’t and never has. Seeing others in grief due to a personal downfall doesn’t change your life one bit. How would someone else’s demise make your world a better place? Wishing to capitalize on the accomplishments of others will never bring you happiness either.
I have been an observer in Lynea’s Life-After-Placement venture and I find it amazing how much envy goes on with people who are trying to accomplish the same objectives but want to ostracize their self-proclaimed adversaries. I think what Lynea is doing is amazing and she has no desire to be deemed a saint, savoir or superior to anyone. She wants to help birth mothers who can use her insight and experience to help them with their journey, which I can see over 25 years is an ongoing adventure with so many ups and downs. Both birth parents and adoptive parents need someone like her to find answers to human interaction which is so delicate and trying. Wanting her to fail doesn’t seem sensible to me. What would that accomplish? It would remove a truly dedicated advocate of birth mothers from having a voice in the adoptions community giving sound reasons for change and why would that be a good thing? She spends endless hours of time with no compensation just to advance the dialog and give that voice for birth mothers.
We should think about what it is in our lives that give us a sense of pain and sorrow and see what it is that will change it. Positive thoughts are the most uplifting thing anyone can do to change their situation. I’m a convicted believer that the mind controls all of our actions and outcomes. Allowing yourself to be dragged down the hole of despair is detrimental to your life and those who surround you. Bad thoughts beget bad thoughts and positive thoughts beget positive thoughts.
I really like a recent commercial for Eat the Frog, a franchise fitness group. They choose the name from a statement Mark Twain made years ago. He said “Get up each morning and eat a live frog, your day can only get better from there”. So, look at your situation and think about how many people are worse off than you. No matter how much our political elite try and convince us we are living in a bad place, there is no better place to be on this planet than in America. That should give you your first positive thought and from there look at what opportunities are available to you if you really want them. That’s a hard sale to the people in many third world countries. Convincing them your situation is bad might not be too easy to get across. Love life and keep pushing forward, shake off those who bring you down and never let envy be your guide. Lastly, love others for the good you see in them. If you take off the envy glasses you might find there are things about them that truly do make them amazing people.
Bob Spears